Remember, only when I see

 

Came across my friend Calvin's FB photo album with full of London scenery, it's such a wonderful place if I can have a look there on my own! Calvin seems to have a great time over there, just like he did.

I know I'm going there one day later, just the matter of time. Ever prepared & well-planned everything to go there, but didn't manage to make it in the end, January of 2010. Missed the chance, and missed the relationship. I remembered he said we can go London's Eyes together. I knew it's no longer possible when I saw him in his friend's tag with the background setting of London's Eyes. The relationship ends like the promise. It's nothing to blame on, as there’s no point to go ahead without commitment.

Recall, a friend ever asked me: Since you have so much faith in him, what if he ends this time just like the others did? I remember I smiled, confidently. The ending prove me, I had pretty much faith on the pretty wrong timing. He wish me to let go everything, he wants to be simple. And hence I finally understand, I have to let go, I have no choice but to let go, as he can feel better. Not too bad, I manage to make myself a simple life, with the direction through the words in the Bible. Now only I know how great it feel when I can be free, free from struggling in the sleepless nights.

For the sake of myself, I kept away all photo of him from my sight, never wanna see him coincidentally, a wonderful strategy I made. Somehow he is always in my prayer. This is a pretty beautiful mistake. I remember. And I'll remember to go London's Eyes, too!

Today’s Mitchell: Travel around may help to boost up myself, mentally & physically.

试着成熟

我们今年二十一二岁，明明很想哭，却还在笑。 明明很在乎，却装作无所谓。 明明很想留下，却坚定的说要离开。 明明很痛苦，却偏偏说自己很幸福。 明明忘不掉，却说已经忘了。 明明放不下，却说他是他，我是我。 明明舍不得，却说我已经受够了。明明说的是违心的假话，却说那是自己的真心话。 明明眼泪都快溢出眼眶，却高昂着头。 明明已经无法挽回，却依旧执着。 明明知道自己很受伤，却说你不必觉得欠我的。 明明这样伪装着很累，却还得依旧..

不是我写的，是FB某个share link看到的，有些认同，又有些些的无奈，还有一点庆幸。认同，因为亲身经历；无奈，因为事实残酷，不如己愿；庆幸，因为不是经历全部以上提到的感受。 其实有些时候，不必把那些负面的情绪看得太重，显得自己好像真的很值得同情。其实有些时候，跳出那时的情绪的框框，就会发现，我们比较幸运，因为有不少的 人生阅历，才会有懂得体会各种感受的能力。若人生平平淡淡，那岂不是太无趣了？

那至高的创造者，无时无刻，随祂己意，都在把 不同的变化，不同的人物，放在我们的人生每个阶段，所以我们是没有选择要不要面对的权力，但至少祂给了我们去面对的能力。要时时知道，祂的意念高过我们 的，我们的智慧远远无法了解祂为何要让这件事，又或那个人出现我们的生命里；但是祂曾应许，祂会给我们足够的能力去面对，祂所允许的困难不会大过我们的能 力。不相信我们自己有那么大的能力吗？那也不能不相信祂有那个能力带领我们度过，因为祂永远比什么都大，都说了，祂是至高的。

曾经好几次，想依着自己的意思走，尽管深知那是完全相反的道路。很挣扎，很孤单，很无奈地走了一段，才发现自己的无知，但是没有后悔，因为试过了才会知道嘛。

Today's Mitchell: 很幸运我过了一关又一关，最后还是回到祂的道；不知道在未来的末后时代，我有没有这个坚定信念，去面对不可测的试炼？

天气；老朋友

昨天的学校宿舍房间像烤炉，就如方豪在FB写的：I don't think physics textbooks give a clearer definition of "HEAT" than my room does! 昨天下午一直希望可以有大风大雨，今天早上果然刮大风，外加突然的大小雨（不知道算小雨还是大雨，因为一下大，一下又小） 早上上八点的课，心情很爽因为天气很爽。上完了课，风还没止，就决定和忆云到D'Bayu吃午餐（没人规定十点半不可以吃午餐）享受一下大风与看不到海的 海景。D'Bayu是全校唯一可以边吃边看海的cafeteria，由于地点与DKP （Dewan Kuliah Pusat，大家上lecture的地方）很接近，常常是爆满，生意好不兴隆。风大雨大还会"喷雨"，“几多凉”，“几爽一下”！吃完回到房间，完全没出 汗，好！那个Ida，睡到这个时候才起来准备要去quick bath！也难怪，天气这么好，又难得整天没课，换成是我，也要给他睡个日上三竿！

开FB是回来房间闲下来，第一件事，习惯。有一个叫Lucas Kong的朋友，也不知道什么时候add他进friend list的，post了东西在我的wall，他说：Gosh! It's been for a long while! How are you Mitchelle? I miss our childhood and neighbourhood! =P Have a Great day! =D  这是什么人来的？第一个反应。看了看他的profile picture，没印象。再看更多更多，再read多几遍他post的childhood & neighbourhood。。。老天！原来是Ah Boy！！真的是几百年前的邻居+朋友！还有Ah Yunn他妹妹她们。。以前是几乎每天都玩在一起的！他变不少，正确来说是人家长大了啦！突然好想念以前做孩子王的日子。。想到以前，还想偷笑呢！

Today's Mitchell: 重遇儿时玩伴原来是这么令人兴奋的事！

忙，不自觉，魔鬼的陷阱

在msn偶遇一个好一阵子没联络的朋友，虽然 很久没好好说话了，但是他一直在我的祷告中，希望我那时撒的种子不要是落在磐石或干戈的沙土上，无亦而终。

我相信上帝会帮助他，但我更相信上帝透过一点一 点的讯息让我知道上帝要继续使用我来帮助他。虽然起初真的有些讨厌他的一些态度，但是看在上帝的份上， 我有义务要把它处理好，这是也是很好让我学习的功课。我不敢说我要在他身上做什么大改变，但是我衷心希望他全家可以信主得救。我原以为因为他对福音没有抗 拒，而觉得向他传福音不是一件难事，但我看到了魔鬼也在工作！在刚才的对话中，得知他近来都在忙，忙得晕头转向，忙到半夜都想回store去继续工作，连星期天安息日他也是忙到晚上。

从他的言语，我觉得我了解他的那种感受，那叫压力，自己给自己的压力，最让人过不了的压力。天天都为大小事操心，常常都有接二连三的琐碎事接踵而来，就连睡觉时突然想到某一件事，都想跳起来完成它，精神有些紧绷。被问到星期天也开工，不上教堂，他的反应是：很忙。

忙，没有罪； 但忙是魔鬼设计的陷阱，很多人都会不知不觉掉进去的陷阱，功课很多时，考试接近时，刚刚开始新生活，或新工作。。。都曾让我忙到忘了好好灵修，甚至想放弃，很亏欠很亏欠，也很感恩，我挣扎到最后仍然得赦免回到天父的道路和话语。告诉他那是不对的，他有些难接受，这是预料之内。为免让他觉得更心烦，我暂且告诉他，忙是魔鬼让我们离开主的工具，他表示他知道了，但还是要为工作的事再忙一忙。

他说他祷告了，但还没看到上帝的"hint"，我只好鼓励他，说信心是：当我们对一件事没有把握时，仍然能相信事情的结局不会太坏。我没办法，只有在今晚的代祷再多加一项，看看接下来还有什么上帝要我做的。当然不是就这样 让他“乱乱来”下去，我啰嗦地提醒了他要在他今晚的祷告向上帝提一提他的困境，虽然我知道他会自动这么做。还是，希望我的恒切祷告会蒙上帝垂听。

Today's Mitchell: 真心希望他全家都能够灵魂得救，因为我曾经很爱他，现在在主里依然爱他。

培养写作习惯以免华文退步

很想开始写blog很久了，一直很多其他的事情在忙，后来想想如果不坚持一些开始，最后不知道几个世纪后才会真正开始写！花了超过半个小时研究怎么edit比较像样的layout，才发现我有多么laoya，找不出怎么弄，弄得有些懊恼了。

那天，有个uncle的话，点醒了我，他说“要乘着年轻的时候多多跑跑看看地方，虽然读书重要，但是到处走走学到的东西其实更是多” 我举手赞成！其实一直告诉自己，将来要一年至少要跑一个地方，还希望当时可以颈上挂个Digital Single-Lens Reflex。再贪心一点，希望有个很契合的伴侣与我同行，如果可以。Uncle还提到潜水，我想考个潜水执照！当初选读大学科系的时候，我出乎意料地选 了“Marine Science"为第一志愿，不怕晒黑，不怕下海，豁出去了！就个人认为因为女生有潜水执照是一件很帅的事！最后在上帝的安排之下，与潜水执照擦身而过， 进了Food Technology；现在又开始打那张执照的主意。跟他打听之下，原来价钱与uncle说的差天地！一次两三天就RM1100！恐怕这个计划要hold 一hold了。

来临星期天，将要参加SSMP的Moo Moo Trip，到Kundasang一日游，竟然有些期待！正打算要给自己买个Digital Camera，拍一写照片post在FB和blog。就来临星期五去Karamunsing一趟找相机！好希望明天就可以去看相机了，可是Sanen的Assignment还没做好，今晚明天要尽量做完，星期四才有东西present哪！

Today's Mitchell: 我想我爱上写blog了！

He is nothing, from that day onward

Yes, it's exact as the title, he is no longer the one who deserve to stay on the seat in my heart. What's the main reason ? I can remember very well, until I no need to mention here just to remind myself from time to time, as I'll never forget what he told me that night in the phone. The nasty stuff ! REMEMBER, Mitchell !
Other than that, he make me feel like..he is so far different as the one in my heart. The way he think what I'll think, the way he talk to me, it's just a bit of irritated me ! Somehow, end up he still make me soft-hearted especially when he sounds crying in the phone, maybe I'm just feeling too bad at some of his changes. From another point of perspective, his changes relieved me from everything: I no longer feel hesitate to let go of the relationship; I no longer get any hope on him; I no longer have long waiting; I no longer have sleepless night when he came to my mind..
Other than the changes, I still feel good at him when he know I'm still as understanding him as last time, this made me feel better,at least.
I gonna have a brand new future, with many unknowns & freedom (=

Complaining

Don't really like to write blog, now still ending up with expressing my feeling here.

I think it's not a really good one if keep telling people the same things, mentioning the same person who they don't really know. I understand well s that's no point for me to do that, it may even annoy people around me, even him.

It's a complicated feeling to meet him up after one year, things gone more complex because we broke up in the April. This was out of my plan, accident for me, large & affective one. I learn to be calm toward it, nobody understand how loud I wanna cry out, and I never wish anybody know this except him, as I don't wanna have anyone to cry with me for him, especially mama.

But why am I still writing here ? Yes, it's because of my complicated feeling, back to the feeling. I felt so hard, feel hard, feeling hard. I was still hoping we can be as close as last time, even we no long couples, but who can guarantee this ? No one, not even him ! I felt he is so far away from me even he was just sitting right beside me, listening to my recent stories in new uni life. Everything looks so normal in pass-by-ers' eyes, but everything goes wrong in my mind that time. He always do sth out of my plan, especially after the breaking up, truly I don't like things to go like this, really wanna cry, but what for I cry ? He will definitely ask me "Emos, why are u thinking so much. Don't think too much la, ok" Since that, I learn to keep my feeling from him, try to keep, even I really really, feel so much to tell him, like last time used to tell him my ever single stuff running in my mind. Maybe, he really changed, and I still the same, so things go messy in sudden, as I don't manage to handle it before it is overwhelming me.

The morning, 2nd of August, he called me up, out of my expectation, we went for a simple breakfast somewhere nearby as he didn't wanna spend too much time going around, the weather was just too bad too hard for him to withstand. Tolerate with him.

He brought along my bag here to me, I was slightly disappointed to see it. Not the fault of the innocent bag, but blame on the wrong timing. I thought I can meet him up once more because of the innocent bag, but now.. He was still a lovely, he bought me a boxer, little "love-shaped" printed, almost the same as the one I bought for him from Padini. What a cute coincide, which came on the wrong timing again. He asked me to look for another little gift in my bag, a "cross", he bought in Venice, for me. Those were from the past-tense him, not the present tense one. The present tense, I don't even dare to look into his eyes when talking to him, I felt no confidence at all, hope he don't notice this, as I told him "I not dare to look at him", yea, I don't dare because I have no confidence to do so like last time, I don't even manage to make him to stay by my side, what else I can do on him ? From where I can get my confidence to face him ? I know he is definitely not going to feel anything from our past-tense relationship, it was too far away from him, and zero-value for him to recall his relationship between me, I guess..

Anyhow, what do you expect ? Since I've no same identity as last time, even how hard I try. I don't want to see myself to do sth annoy him, but his style really.....

Well, he is no longer the one of you, so what do you expect ?

I feel so troublesome everytime thinking of him, I hope everything can come once again, or at least I can make another decision before things become like this, at least I no need to write here & dropping my precious tears long in front of my laptop, in the stupid hostel, in UMS. What a silly I'm.. I just wanna keep every memory to be precious & meaningful, but why am I so greedy and expect more from him ?

Hopefully he can recover from the sickness of differences weather and temperature btween Malaysia and UK. I'm disappointed on him, but I don't mind to pray for him. And the same,I don't dare to tell him this, too.

Without a conclusion, I'm going to off & sleep, tomorrow gonna wake up for PPIB English class. Good night my love Emos !

The Shoes

I heard a same story for three times today, from different persons in different circumstances. This urges me to share it with all of my love ones.

The story begins with a man, who is rushing for the train to go to another town for his official business. Due to the rush, he accidentally drops off his left shoe outside the train and he manages to get himself onto the train with only one shoe with him. Somehow, he immediately takes off his another shoe and throws the shoe out of the train. A lady who standing aside is wondering and she ask, “Why are u throwing your another shoe out again since you had lost your left shoe already?” Then the man answer, “As what you said, since I lost my left shoe, by having only the right shoe is no longer useful for me, no point for me to keep it. I rather than throw it out then maybe some poor wretches out there may pick up to use as the shoes are in pair.

From here, we can see that, some situation are like we suffer loses, somehow at the same time, some pitiful ones gain from our lost.

Christian usually suffer loses as they really want to obey what God teach us to. Many people even sneering at Christian as they think Christian act stupidly and ignorantly. However, Jesus knows our lost, Jesus knows the purpose we choose to do it although it may look silly in the point of view of non-Christian. He knows we are not foolish but rather to do that for Him. When we lose for people around us in order to fulfill their needs, God promises to prepare the gift which is even greater than anything for us.

It’s hard, but it’s faith. May God bless anyone who willing to love their neighborhoods with action as faith should come with actions.

No Worries

耶和华的眼目遍察全地，要显大能帮助向他心存诚实的人。 （历代记下16：9）

每当我们基督徒遭遇试探，魔鬼的攻击，又或者是生活上的困难时，会即刻向上帝祷告求助，但是往往会发现上帝毫无反应，不伸援手帮助我们。不过事实上，上帝的眼目未曾离开我们，他深知我们环境的危险，他总会在适当时候伸手帮助。上帝决不会允许试炼过于我们所能忍受的，就千钧一发之际，上帝自然会给我们打开一条道路。因此，我们用不着紧张，天父对我们的处境了如指掌，我们大可放心，他的救援总是及时的。

Whenever we ( Christian) encounter trial, devil's attack or hardness in our lives, we used to pray for help and seek for our mighty Lord. Somehow we are going to notice that God gives no respond toward our pray. However, in fact, God's eyes never part from any of us for even one second, He truly know our situation, He is always lending a hand on the right time. Our Lord never ever allow the trouble to overwhelm us, the dilemma would never be an overload for us. Usually, when it's in an extremely critical situation that we thought we no longer can hold on, He will show us a solution. Therefore, we need not to be nervous or worry too much, God the Father know our plight very well, and hence we can feel relieved and rest assured, His help is always on time.

Silent Message

It was a sleepless night.. I read through my cellphone inbox, used to delete some texts which may occupied my space. Then here, I noticed a wonderful sharing which nearly been forgotten.

Sometime, God breaks our Spirit to save our Soul.
Sometime, God breaks our Heart to make us whole.
Sometime, God allows us pain so we can be stronger.
Sometime, God sends us failure so we can learn to be humble.
Sometime, God sends us illness so we can take better care of ourselves.
Sometime, God takes EVERYTHING away from us so we can learn the value of EVERYTHING we have.

God is the one who loves us more than anyone, He never stop fulfulling us.