I Expect Him to Skip This

Now, why am I writing this in this language instead? It's just simply don't wish him to know what I'm trying to say here onward. I knew he is not going to continue reading and then get to understand what I'm writing for the following.

It took me few months to fall. Fall in love with him. But now, seems it might take quite some time for me to quit. As he said, I always having the faster pace than he does. He is usually slower than I am. Yet, I found this principle doesn't applicable in this case, in this love matter between us. I have no idea it took him how long to fall on me, but then I knew he is able to quit so immediately, it's just like within a blink, not even half a second. I knew thinking about all these no longer really make sense, and gonna continue hurting myself. But it just cant get out of my mind, maybe for this instance. 

Everytime when I'm talking with people about it, I feel okay, I feel good, and getting better each time.

Somehow, when I'm having conversation with myself, I found I couldn't cope with myself. It's just like two Mitchell in me, one trying so hard to let go, wishing everyone goes well soon; the other one just stand there, staring at the back of him, who is walking away.

Getting off from a serious relationship is like......a process with....many barriers to go through. There is just too much things for me to learn to accept. And one comes after another. Accepting he is leaving, accepting we can no longer have dinner together every night, no more future home together, the wedding contract no longer mean anything, we are not belong to each other anymore, we have some problems between us, simply no more good night kiss on the forehead...and now, accepting his love is gone, vanished. Well, maybe someone would come and tell me, hey, he is still loving you, in Christ. But nobody knows how much I desired him to love me in term of both Christ and husband-wife-love, from the very moment I decided. 

I'm feeling like...what I'm feeling now is...it reminds me the song, 不想让你知道by周蕙, the very first sentence, 忽然不想让你知道......都记得我好....The whole sentence is absolutely what I mean, but I'm not gonna type it out, I'm not ready for him to understand 'cuz I know he can never understand me.

Today's Mitchell: This relationship taught me that there's really something that you never want him to know.