Complaining

Don't really like to write blog, now still ending up with expressing my feeling here.

I think it's not a really good one if keep telling people the same things, mentioning the same person who they don't really know. I understand well s that's no point for me to do that, it may even annoy people around me, even him.

It's a complicated feeling to meet him up after one year, things gone more complex because we broke up in the April. This was out of my plan, accident for me, large & affective one. I learn to be calm toward it, nobody understand how loud I wanna cry out, and I never wish anybody know this except him, as I don't wanna have anyone to cry with me for him, especially mama.

But why am I still writing here ? Yes, it's because of my complicated feeling, back to the feeling. I felt so hard, feel hard, feeling hard. I was still hoping we can be as close as last time, even we no long couples, but who can guarantee this ? No one, not even him ! I felt he is so far away from me even he was just sitting right beside me, listening to my recent stories in new uni life. Everything looks so normal in pass-by-ers' eyes, but everything goes wrong in my mind that time. He always do sth out of my plan, especially after the breaking up, truly I don't like things to go like this, really wanna cry, but what for I cry ? He will definitely ask me "Emos, why are u thinking so much. Don't think too much la, ok" Since that, I learn to keep my feeling from him, try to keep, even I really really, feel so much to tell him, like last time used to tell him my ever single stuff running in my mind. Maybe, he really changed, and I still the same, so things go messy in sudden, as I don't manage to handle it before it is overwhelming me.

The morning, 2nd of August, he called me up, out of my expectation, we went for a simple breakfast somewhere nearby as he didn't wanna spend too much time going around, the weather was just too bad too hard for him to withstand. Tolerate with him.

He brought along my bag here to me, I was slightly disappointed to see it. Not the fault of the innocent bag, but blame on the wrong timing. I thought I can meet him up once more because of the innocent bag, but now.. He was still a lovely, he bought me a boxer, little "love-shaped" printed, almost the same as the one I bought for him from Padini. What a cute coincide, which came on the wrong timing again. He asked me to look for another little gift in my bag, a "cross", he bought in Venice, for me. Those were from the past-tense him, not the present tense one. The present tense, I don't even dare to look into his eyes when talking to him, I felt no confidence at all, hope he don't notice this, as I told him "I not dare to look at him", yea, I don't dare because I have no confidence to do so like last time, I don't even manage to make him to stay by my side, what else I can do on him ? From where I can get my confidence to face him ? I know he is definitely not going to feel anything from our past-tense relationship, it was too far away from him, and zero-value for him to recall his relationship between me, I guess..

Anyhow, what do you expect ? Since I've no same identity as last time, even how hard I try. I don't want to see myself to do sth annoy him, but his style really.....

Well, he is no longer the one of you, so what do you expect ?

I feel so troublesome everytime thinking of him, I hope everything can come once again, or at least I can make another decision before things become like this, at least I no need to write here & dropping my precious tears long in front of my laptop, in the stupid hostel, in UMS. What a silly I'm.. I just wanna keep every memory to be precious & meaningful, but why am I so greedy and expect more from him ?

Hopefully he can recover from the sickness of differences weather and temperature btween Malaysia and UK. I'm disappointed on him, but I don't mind to pray for him. And the same,I don't dare to tell him this, too.

Without a conclusion, I'm going to off & sleep, tomorrow gonna wake up for PPIB English class. Good night my love Emos !