Monday, January 31, 2011

Need Somebody

Do you ever feel lonely even though there were lots of people getting around you? Have you ever feel unsatisfied even if you're in the crowd? Do you ever wonder what make you feel that way? I do, lately.

I've no idea whether this is so-called "emo" or "spending too much on thinking non-sense". Neither I would like to know I am. Both sound pessimistic, gloomy, down side, and WEAK. Supposing nobody like to be weak. I understand how bad it feel and hence I try to respect someone when he/she need an ear, I'm always willing to be a listener. However, when things go another way round, nobody is willing to stop by, and it's just building castle in the air to have their ear for me.

Everything happens with reason. It's so doubt to figure out what make people feel depress in the deep-in-me. Used to be an optimistic and always showing brighter side, I failed to handle my darker part. Is that a part of my fault? Or there is someone who need to responsible for it? Hoping it's something to do with my own as it's easier to be settled rather than rely on some other.

Perhaps I need somebody to accompany at my side, just for me, for my priority. Who willing to do that? 

Today's Mitchell : Everyone around seems to be accustomed to my absence, and eventually don't need me ?

Saturday, January 29, 2011

My Identity

Well, before starting this, I gonna admit I'm in bad mood now. To express, or to complain, whatever. My anger need a way out !

I really cant take it anymore ! I noticed this since last year and I ain't really can compromise with it. Almost everyone around me just treat me as I'm a "remaining" "多余" one, somehow even a burden! Ohh crap. Not to mention my family...they're part of it ! I cant believed this ! I thought no matter how lousy outsider can be, family is always our shelter, obviously, I'm just too simple on this.

Maybe it's true, people nowadays only mind on their own business, this is nothing wrong  with it. I shouldn't have expect too much from other, even I can't bear with myself moreover the other. What the H*ll I'm expecting to ?

There's nobody even wanna spend time with you, or maybe just to lend you an ear. This is a wastage for them I suppose. You treat people in the way you think it should be, somehow it doesn't mean they gonna treat you in that manner. Their thinking logic are so much different, or I should have say, my thinking logic is so much different with the others. I never expect people to treat me nice but at least, respect me. Crap.

Well, you gusy don't really need to tell me, I can strongly feel that. You guys don't even bother to have me. It's doesn't really matter even though I do feel bad about it. Maybe getting one to walk with you is just a fairy tale. I should have to be independent, I mean bear with the loneliness in the crowded and party.

Today's Mitchell : Hanging around with people, party in the crowded, doesn't mean I'm not lonely.

Friday, January 28, 2011

The Married Man

We met in the club for few times since years ago, before we managed to have some conversations. I knew him as he's my cousin's buddy. He used to be our senior in the high school, as well as the brother of my classmate. He is married, coming along with child who is about to be 3 years old now. This is complicated, but nothing to do with me. Just wanna talk about him to have an idea for my writing.

I'm not a really old-fashioned thinking one, somehow I hardly can compromise with his behavior. He loves to hang around with ladies, in an undoubtedly close manner, doesn't matter that's gonna annoy his wife or not. Or maybe I should have use the word "flirt". He said he has bundles of girlfriends and they know the existence of one another. *sounds crap*

I suppose the wife is a really broad-minded one, or maybe she has no choice. A lady friend told me, he is never gonna talk anything bad about the wife no matter how hard he plays. Fairly true, he said he is always be home after hours of clubbing moment with ladies, and he loves his wife most. I wonder what kind of love this is. *ridiculous*

I ever spent time with a lady who went through the trough time, whose husband played infidelities with different ladies frequently. These affairs totally wore her out, brought her too much anxiety, exhaust and eventually bored toward relationship and family. Overwhelming turned into flustering and exasperating, then revenge, and lastly take it reluctantly. This is also complicated, indeed.

Anyhow, he is an interesting and awesome one to hang with, undeniable. Maybe that's the point he manages to get those ladies to spend time with him. I'm not going to agree to be "one of his girlfriends", I don't have the freaky peculiarity toward someone's husband.

Today's Mitchell : I don't think I can bear with this kind of jerk, neither boyfriend nor husband. But a game. *wink*

Thursday, January 27, 2011

Hi ! Blogger

I own this account since years ago, it's abandoned after signed up. Sorry baby I'm turning back now, with conditions. *realistic*

There are much more friends using Blogger, and hence it's much convenient for me to switch here instead of Xanga. There is no emoticon application here, this demerits Blogger. But it's still just nice one.  I suppose it's easier to handle, and I know there are abundant for me to discover ahead. Maybe gonna consult some Blogger users then. *looking forward*

Blogging is a way to express myself, especially when I have no one available to listen to me. It means to be my babe diary. I mumble here; throw my crap here; show my happiness here; complain those bast*rd and b*tch who pass-by; record my feeling; share my opinion; post my shoutout; and kill my boring afternoons as well as sleepless nights. How lovely important it means to me.

I'm halfway doing editing of my previous post, intents to move everything here from Xanga. And most probably gonna dump my beloved Xanga. New one can never come if the old one stays. These require some effort mann..

Today's Mitchell : Nothing wrong to do with either Xanga or Blogger, it's just the matter of habit and usage depends on different users. They reserve their values *smile*

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

"情圣"

他不是情圣,要不然我不屑提他。他是朋友口中的“爆炸头”,虽然他的头发并不爆炸。他是我的同班同学,很大很大的那种班。我们在课堂上,几乎不曾交谈。应该是只有一次,我上前去提醒他:等下要记得带student card喔。

他是爱上DSLR的大男生,爱写blog,但又不至于是宅男的男生。对,他对我来说,还不至于是男人,他没有那种复杂的味道。第一次看到他,十之八九是在课堂上。。。不对不对,仔细想想,是在报到当天排队时,这个高高的男生站在我旁边。就是了,对他的第一印象回来了。记得那时,用眼角描了一下,好像还以为他是中国国际学生,要不然就是外表像韩国人的西马人。是谁先开口说话我忘了,话题除了陈腔滥调的开学心情,还聊到。。。我的发毡。的确,这东西让很多人对我。。。的头发上的膏药布很感兴趣。好像是从发毡开始聊开的。我看人,通常不怎么有本事,他不是我以为的什么外国人,反而他是本地人,而且还是家就住在学校附近的KK人,好羡慕他哦。。。

之后应该是没什么特别的事了,至少我印象中是没有。后来陆陆续续与他都有一些些接触,比如,在外边遇到他,不约而同一起午餐(其实是他自己突然不知道从哪里pop出来);还有,一次是自己approach他,请教他在KK哪里可以找到car accessories店;一直到后来在facebook和blogspot才有比较多的接触,慢慢可以摸索他的个性。是个有点想法的男生。

那天,不知道哪里来的主意,竟然会找他陪我去看“笑着回家”。我想他应该会喜欢看这类的电影,所以找他作伴不会太错。后来听朋友说,一个男生,一个女生,两人单独出去难道没有火花吗?坦白说,我是没感觉到什么火什么花。只是他当天晚上肯定会是我FB status的一部分。

他的身高,无可否认,的确是他的优势。人人(其实是女生们)都不难发现高高的男生,何况长得还不错的。只是,我对高高的男生,又喜欢,又头痛。女生都嘛喜欢高高的男生,所以我才头痛。又恰恰有过不愉快的经验,所以对高个子,受欢迎,又因为这样而可能会花心的男生,避而远之。

其实我朋友对他有好感,我倒是挺支持她的。至少据我的了解,他不是什么乱七八糟的男生。要不然,我们SSMP学校里面美女如云,他怎么没挑一个来绯闻绯闻一下?听说他是我们SSMP风云人物。怎么我都没发现?

还有,你们啊,别说你们会吓一跳,如果我跟他有天真的走在一起,我想我自己都会不明白这是怎么回事。

Today’s Mitchell:萧,看到没有?这篇有没有是你想读到的我的blog?

Monday, January 24, 2011

该二选一了

本来不想写了,真的很懒。最近的小是非不少,令人精疲力尽。但是留个记录,或许是好的。
这篇文章就暂且不提别的,言归正题。事情是从。。。今天早上主日崇拜之后开始,又可能是在更久之前就已经开始了。话说之前报了名参加主日学,心里有点期待,毕竟是第一次在自己的堂会以外参加的装备,带着学习的心态来了。

今天上了第一堂课,就引发我,是时候面对抉择了。毕竟两间教会来回出席,可能果效真的如领导所说的,结果会很累,无法两边兼顾。可能她的说法,令我一时不知所措,但是花时间想想,也是不无道理。

记得当初会两边跑,是因为浸信会让我在异乡,有家的感觉,很舒服很有归属感,只是他们的上课研经比较没有主恩堂来得多。而主恩堂属卫理公会,与我原 本堂会属同一个宗派。所以,我才会,星期六聚会在浸信会;星期天主日崇拜在主恩堂。但是最近听说浸信会将会有一系列的活动,如研经,装备等,我期待。

在主恩堂,我发现我无法专心,更何况要投入。在浸信会,虽然小小的,但是牧者长辈的分享,却让我感动许久。是不是,教会本来就应该是个我自己能够愿意委身的地方呢?

Today’s Mitchell:我心里做了选择。无论是去哪里,我知道我还是我,也清楚祂就是祂,我爱的是独一的祂。

Sunday, January 23, 2011

Emos 22rd Jan

不想醒来。真的太真实了,让我差点就分辨不出这只是梦。让我忍不住想要一切重来。

Friday, January 21, 2011

我要为小事感恩

突然很有这个感动要把这些看似小事的事情一一记下。虽然它们的确实微不足道的。

原本听到今晚有replacement class,就从昨天就开始不是很开心了,因为晚上上课确实有点麻烦,尤其是交通问题。我有车,其实应该是要比别人开心,但是,为了担心晚上课后回来,要 找parking space,头就隐隐作痛。好不容易,终于下定决心不要再为这种小事烦恼,就干脆驾车出去上课,晚上回来就把车停在山上,走下去算了。皮痒,把车开到最接 近房间的parking area,赫然发现有空的停车位!Dilemma来了,这么优的车位,今晚离开了真的很不甘。再改变主意,今晚不开车,跟巴士就跟巴士!

回到房间,洗过澡就补补眠。室友兼同班同学因为怕我睡迟,担心我没有闹钟,准时把我叫醒。虽然我其实不需要她叫醒我,但是至少我知道,她会担心我。感恩事件,二。原来她有时候真的还不错。

上晚上的课,这堂课似乎大家都很有精神,教授看起来心情也不错,大家今晚互动很好,我喜欢这种上课气氛。勉强算是感恩事件,三。

Lecture hall air-cond太冷,是教授让我们提早十五分钟下课的理由。很好。接下来就是要挤巴士!今晚Kampung AB的driver竟然愿意把我们大家送回Kampung E,真是天塌下来给我们盖被!感恩事件,四。浩浩荡荡SSMP的同学把巴士挤满满。后来上车的我,偶遇好人,把两人的座位,让出来,三人坐。这里小妹要谢 谢两位美女大侠的“拔刀相助”啦!感恩事件,五。
回到Kampung E cafeteria,没有一如往常,我留在那里晃了晃。遇到朋友,还车了车大炮,喝了一杯珍珠奶茶,收到室友的“怎么还没回拉”的讯息了才回房。心情真的好很多。感恩事件,六和七。

看起来很废,可是fei的是我的fei腑之言。值得记录。还有,今晚祷告的时候,以上提到的人物,都在我的祷告赐福名单中!

Today’s Mitchell:  喜乐的时候会感恩,感恩的时候会喜乐。

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Who Care~

本来是想把本文默默吞吃下去就算了。当初是担心身边的人会对号入座,而引起不必要的误会与心结,所以迟迟没有“截稿”。现在想想,难道我连一个自己想说话的天地都没有吗?所以豁出去,写了。几天前,在msn遇到心灵伙伴,稍微聊了聊彼此的近况,得知她身边的女生朋友在闹小姐脾气,分成了两派,令她左右为难。幸而有位朋友与她处在同样的立场,也有同样的感受,不同的是,那位朋友教会了她,有时候要学会“隔岸观火”,要不然会惹得自己一身“乌烟瘴气”。我非常同意,也觉得若换作是自己在那个立场,也会选择那样做。结果事后没多久,轮到我要面对类似的立场了!

之前因为一些大小琐碎事,就慢慢得知身边一些朋友的脾性和习惯,所以与他们都是保持着安全距离。但最近(可能对方逼于无奈),该来的还是来了。为了什么事情,在这里不是重点,只是谈钱伤感情,尤其是遇到特别特别抠门又比较崇尚“人不为己,天诛地灭”的对象,所以隐隐我闻到火药。我的立场其实很明显很容易选择,但是知道自己的脾性,我要自己保持中庸(不知道做不做得到),或许这样可以减低对彼此的伤害。但是,这让与我站在同一方的朋友受委屈了,实在对不起她。她会渐渐感受到我的无所谓态度,我看起来no concern,其实是不希望做出上帝不喜悦的决定(不管你看了信不信),我故意要自己把这件事看得很简单,很容易处理,就是不想因为小事大家翻脸决裂。我吸取之前几段友谊的教训了。我知道依我的个性,其实大声大气,强词夺理,甚至让对方无地自容,绝对不是在我能力范围之外的事。尽管如此,我说服自己还是别那样做了。

整件事,我不是想道人长短,或者控诉任何人,又或者发泄不满,我其实是想提醒自己,既然在一次又一次的跌倒之后,上帝仍然不丢下我,至少,我是不是得在自己的能力范围之内,把自己脾气控制好。不敢大声说我在为主做见证,我在做我认为基督徒至少要做的。当然我做不到,在别人打了我的左脸之后,再让他打我的右脸,至少我可以控制自己不要还手,要不然对方受伤的不只是脸。

Today's Mitchell:接下来如果真的搬在一起住,还有很多好受的呢!

不是你的菜

朋友说,他发现我专爱挑一些outgoing and never wanna settle down的男人来喜欢,此话既出,必有其因。我愿意好好探讨一下,毕竟也有些时间没有update我的blog了。以前考试写essay的时候,通常是挑 一些关键字来define,做为故事的开头。

Outgoing,就是喜欢往外跑。另一个说法,可能就是因为交友广阔,个性开朗好动,这与我自己有几分相似。重点来了,就因为朋友太多,好玩的事 也多不胜数,试问又有谁愿意停下脚步呢?(或者,不必停下脚步,与我同行也可以,但也得看他们愿不愿意)严格上来说是,谁愿意为我放弃自由呢?跟我在一 起,我要的不是人常常在我左右,而是心里常常有我。这叫commitment,很多人听了都怕的东西。

Never willing to settle down,其实与前者有些关联。我所认识到的这类男人,在年龄上来说,其实普遍上不是已经被迫成家,就是名草有主,但为何在我遇到他们的时候,他们仍然是 单身一个?原因:他们不想要那样(成家或有主)。既然他们早已坚持自己的一套,试问,又怎会为了我,而改变自己的坚持呢?依我看,这类男人到后来极可能会 闪电结婚,其原因就“对号入座”一下就知道。多么“可歌可泣”的“爱情”!毕竟,现在也还没先进到有几个男人能成功一辈子不结婚。

似乎都在道他们的长短,说他们的不是,其实也不然,因为我的确是有专爱选上这种男人的倾向,好犯贱,但我绝对不是故意的。因为他们,有着我无法抗拒的魅力!

Today's Mitchell:让我们在一起的原因,就是让我们分开的理由。可能我身上找不到让他们说服自己不自私的充分理由。

注:用写华文写文章,有两个原因,其一,我英文烂,其二,文中提到的人都是不会读华文的!

Friday, January 14, 2011

Finally...! Pheww~~

It's been quite a while not contacting him, even text him, he always treated me as usual. I was sick of him.. Until now I've becoming numb already. What inspired me to mention him again? Well, let's start it from Dave, he reminded me sth. He said that's no point to stay ahead for him, he was so much disagreed with me to mention "him". And the next day I met "him" online, he didn't even bother to say "hi" when I approached.

This was the second time he pissed me off, seriously. Well, I have no idea what to do next, and I don't think there is anything else I need to do, too. He was rather concerned about the others, even tends to fly to KL for "ling ma" (I suppose she is an aunty who mean alot for him, in KK), to emphasize, he told me he is REALLY BUSY. Now I really get what he meant, even it's a little bit lag slow. Mitchell is such a Miss Lagging ! Hmm..!

By the way, he is nothing, just like what he expected me to do. Time flies, he changed, and I changed, too. Hopefully, I'm really gonna be myself then. NOT TO GO BACK TO THIS SITUATION ANYMORE, it was terribly sick. I told myself.

This is a passage to warn myself, bear it on mind, Mitchell !

Today's Mitchell: How great this feeling is ! I'm free, and enjoyable indeed.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

I'm back, again

In fact, I felt remorse for my kept-changing-mind. Although it is known that His mercy would never vary with my behaviors, I knew I couldn't always take advantages. Punishments definitely are there.

I got to know my strength of spiritual life is getting brittle, and it's so little to be seen now. Always, fail.

Somehow thanks God, I'll still seeking Him in the end no matter how, as I've no way to go...


Today's Mitchell: Lord please bear me, bear me, I know I'm unworthy. I hope to hear from You when I'm still conscious, this is sincere. In Jesus's name, Amen.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Come on, Motive !!

Not sure whether he can be the one or not, but he keep coming on my mind these days. I cant sense anything from him, or maybe it's still unfamiliar for us, aren't we? I'm always expecting a clear answer. Met Adam in fb who lead me to think more on it. He pointed me out that I tends to..slightly...erm toward Bruneian guy.

I'm not that type of sitting there and wait, wait, wait, I need to do something or else just call it off. Somehow I don't have any motive to do that, well, maybe Adam is right, I'm requesting a clear answer which guys hardly can give. Sigh.. Irresolute !

Today's Mitchell: What's that so hard to have a simple partner to travel on with me when time flies ?

傻傻在左右为难

没想过要放弃,但是希望在他有更多变化之前放弃,这样我将来有天就不必痛哭失声。尽管如此,仍然自己盲目地两边在拉扯,毕竟,没人明确表示过什么。 可能他其实没考虑过我。无可否认,他是他,他是他,他们并没有什么相同,我其实也没必要找出他们的共同点。只是,为何开始会背着他,在偷偷想他呢?我觉得 这不算背叛,但也不是什么见得光的事。竟然会开始偷偷地考虑他!虽然他根本没什么把我放在心上。是太急吗?还是他真的也不错?还是我在害怕什么?这不是急 的事,我还能顺其自然,但是,能这样多久呢?我不是个有耐心的人,除非他把信心还给我。

Today's Mitchell: 该怎么做,才对?是不是前面就已经决定事情在后面应该怎么发展吗?

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Emos 4th Jan

为什么要在让我相信真有真正令人心醉的爱情之后,又让我失去呢?我情愿不曾尝试过,甘愿一直都在用理智谈恋爱!

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

又是。。。!(叹气)

是时候收拾心情回kk准备上课!虽然有千百个不愿意,但是玩了整整一个月,再不收手就不敢看了。毕竟,玩乐有时,读书有时。把书读好,将来才有经济来源去玩哪!

总结吗?整个月,都是很轻松,很舒适,玩到几乎忘记自己是谁了。(真是不该!)

时时有朋友在身边,真的很好。这次回来,认识了好些人,遇到了不少事。但是回想起来,如果现在还有他陪着,我想我的假期会比更有意义。不是一个很喜 欢活在过去的人,好几次很想放弃他了,真的。但是心里就是有莫名的执著。执著他的曾经。翻阅尘封的简讯和email,原来我不记得他其实也是很甜美的。独有的甜美。

Today's Mitchell: 我不是还不够潇洒,只是。。。换个说法,我想从另一个人身上找到那种,那个感觉。